The Smith Family Adventures

Parenting is messy. It’s messy in the obvious ways and in some not so obvious ones. First the obvious:

Parenting is messy because children are messy. Exhibit A:

Tonight for dinner Elias ate some spaghetti. You can’t see the full extent of the mess in the pictures, but you can get a good idea. He was saucy from head to toe. And he loved it! We partly let him get so messy because we are just so relieved that he is eating normal food now instead of his picky yogurt – cheerio only diet of a couple months ago. It didn’t help that all of his bibs were dirty, and he refused the makeshift clip on dish towel that I tried…so we went into the spaghetti dinner unprotected. Our poor carpet will probably never be the same either.

Besides food being messy, children are messy in their play. This is where I’ve learned many lessons in parenting so far. For example, while painting with water colors, I realized how restrictive I was being with Elias. I wanted him to keep the water color set pristine. One color at a time. That way it will stay nice for next time…right? It only took me a minute or two of him fussing to realize how dumb I was being. There I was getting frustrated saying to myself, “Why is he fussing? Painting is supposed to be fun!” Then I realized that painting is supposed to be messy! So what if he mixes the colors? There will always be more water color sets. It’s about inspiring his creativity and letting him explore his world. By trying to keep things “clean,” I was taking away from his experience.

And that made me think of so many other things that I try to control in his life so needlessly. Like the time I had a plan for where I wanted to go on a walk…so I tried to make him follow me. He got upset and I wondered why he wasn’t having fun. Duh. I was hampering his independent spirit and his exploration. I wasn’t allowing him to be curious.

Or like the countless times I’ve closed and locked the tupperware door so that he can’t make a mess with all the containers and lids. I wondered why he got upset. Tupperware is boring compared to all his toys…right? Wrong. I wasn’t allowing myself to see things from his perspective. Babies do science experiments all the time. He likes to experiment with sounds and with stacking things. He tries to spin or bounce or turn things all the time. I was hampering his inquiring mind.

All these things in the name of not being messy. But parenting is messy. Children are messy. That is the way they should be.

There is another, less obvious way that parenting is messy…parents are messy. Or maybe it’s better to say that parents are a mess. We don’t get sauce all over our faces or get paint on the chairs and tables. We don’t take all the utensils out of the drawers. But parents are a mess because we fail to truly see our children day after day after day. We are a mess because we constantly let our desires come first. We are a mess because our children have to teach us new things every day about how to love and explore and wonder and live life.

I want things to be messy in our house. It means we’re having fun and learning. It means we’re living life rather than watching it pass by.

Toilet training is one of those things that I know I’ll have to deal with eventually….but have kind of stayed in denial about up until a week or two ago. I’m sure it will be nice not to have to change the diapers…but Elias just seems so young still. And toilet training seems pretty tricky.

Our pediatrician explained to us some cues that we will start to see when Elias is ready to be potty trained. We’ve decided to wait until we see those cues to start anything.

So anyway….today when I was playing with Elias, I said to him, “Elias, Mommy has to go potty. I’ll be right back.”

Usually he just plays until I come back or ends up following me towards the bathroom. Today after I told him what I was doing, he popped up, and before I could even stand up, he ran into the bathroom, lifted the toilet seat, and then looked up at me and smiled.

After thinking it was very cute of him to do that for me, I thought to myself: “Wow! He knows that going potty means going to the toilet.” I don’t know if he associates the word “potty” with the sensation he feels when he has to go…but I figure that this is a start. We’ve got a long road ahead of us for potty training….we haven’t even started! But I figure I better count my wins when I have them.

Now if I could just teach him to put the seat down too….I’m sure I wouldn’t be the only one to be thankful for that in the future……

Back in my days of teaching 3rd grade we had a saying we used for teaching reading skills and strategies. “Reading is Thinking.” It basically helped kids understand the idea that reading is not just looking at letters and words. Reading is a constant thought process which includes visualizing, connecting, summarizing, questioning, predicting…..you get the picture.

I’ve been realizing lately how much “Parenting is Thinking.” Parent is not just a title. There are many ways I could talk about this….but one I have been noticing especially a lot lately. Elias watches our every move. He notices everything. Even when we think he is not watching or noticing. He is like a sponge soaking in the world. Here are some examples:

1 – We gave Elias some wooden play condiment bottles with magnetic lids for Christmas. We chose the toy because he loves to play with the ketchup, bbq sauce, applesauce….everything that is in the bottom shelf of our fridge. Every time I open the fridge he rushes over to try and get his chance to play with them before I can shut the door. He loves his wooden ones (although not quite as much as the real thing) Anyway, this morning he was playing with the wooden bottles. He took of the lid off of one, turned it upside down, and shook it….exactly like we do when we put salad dressing on our food. I marveled as I saw him put the lid back on, set the toy down, and then start the whole process over again. Where did he learn that? We’ve never taught him that or pointed it out to him. He just noticed us doing that action at dinner time.

2- Elias has always liked napkins. In the past he always tried to rip them or eat them. Recently he has started taking napkins, and tenderly patting his mouth and chin with them. Where did he learn that? I’ve never cleaned his face like that. I always take a big washcloth and wipe…not pat. I usually clean his face as quickly as possible because he doesn’t like it….so where did he learn this “patting his face to clean it” thing? Oh yeah…he’s seen me do it every day on myself.

I could name many more…but those two examples will do for the purposes of this post. Realizing how much he watches us, and how much he notices got  me to thinking. What does he notice that I might not want him to notice? What do I do or say that I might not want him to do as well? Everything I do is an example for my son. My tone of voice, my facial expression, the words I say, the way I move, the way I interact with others. He notices it all. I have to constantly be thinking about what I do and how I do it to provide him with the best example possible. That is a tall order. But no one ever said parenting is easy. I embrace the challenge.