My Heart Is Overflowing

The sun streams in through our sliding glass door, warming my face. At first, all I see are the smudges. Hand prints. Nose prints. Smears. It is badly in need of a cleaning. I stare at the smudges and I get depressed about the state of things around here. Since the baby came I have not done much cleaning. But then I am awoken from my stupor with his chiming voice. “Mommy, two birdies!” I focus on his smiling face, then on the balcony outside the dirty sliding door. Two small birds hop and look for seed. Elias and I…we press our noses to the glass and watch them together, adding another stain to the multitude.

My sliding glass door is dirty, but my heart is overflowing.

…………

Nathan turns on his Mark Knopfler cd, and the music blares. After a few seconds, Elias says, “I want to dance.” He shows off a few moves, and then states that he wants to dance with Daddy. I watch from the couch as I feed the baby. My husband and my son join hands and dance. They twirl and sway. Giggles of glee bounce off the walls. Nathan pulls Elias’ arms back and forth alternately. “Are you learning how to shimmy?” Nathan asks. Elias laughs and says, “Again, again!” I wish I could be a part of this dance party, but I am nourishing another son. The song ends. Elias runs up to me and says, “Mommy, I mishied!”

I am stuck on the couch, but my heart is overflowing.

………..

Last night we had family portraits taken for our church photo directory. Since they are our first photos with Simon, we purchased a few too. There happened to be a Wednesday night dinner going on at the same time. John, a member of our church, wrote up a name tag sticker for Elias. Elias was thrilled! He wore it all the way home, and it stayed on his shirt until bed time.

This morning, I was a bit frazzled trying to get two kids breakfasted and dressed. I’m still trying to get the hang of having two kids. As I changed Simon’s diaper, Elias ran up to me and said, “Mommy, John gave me a sticker!” I responded with, “I remember! He gave you a name sticker.” Then Elias said, “Last night. John gave me a sticker on my shirt. He’s real nice.”

There have been numerous times when Elias has talked about people from our church. We are blessed to have so many kind people for him to interact with and learn from. He points out Sandy to us every time he sees her. He talks about all of his comrades in the nursery.

I feel frazzled, but my heart is overflowing.

………

Ever since Elias was a year or so old, I’ve been telling myself that when I had a second child, I was going to enjoy the first few weeks as much as possible. With Elias, I was so disoriented, and I mostly just wanted him to get bigger so he could sleep through the night, or talk to me and tell me what was wrong. I feel like I missed out on those first few weeks because I didn’t enjoy Elias as he was as an infant. I was determined to do it differently the second time around. I’ve made a good effort.

The first week, especially, was tough because Elias didn’t react very well to Simon. We’ve made a lot of progress, but in the beginning he wanted nothing to do with his baby brother. I felt so guilty for throwing Elias’ life into such turmoil. I longed to be able to take in the sight of my sons hugging each other, and I didn’t think we’d ever get there. I felt like any time I spent with Simon (which was most of the time) was a betrayal to my older son. It was like the bright light in his eyes dimmed when he looked at me holding his brother.

Then I felt guilty because while I physically spent more time with Simon, I spent more time emotionally dwelling on Elias. Today, though, I looked into Simon’s eyes as he played. I kissed his soft head. I felt the weight of his body on mine as he slept. I feel that I finally discovered the deep well of love I have for Simon. It was like I could see only the tip of the iceberg, and now I know what is beneath the water. My heart unfolded and filled again. It relieved a lot of the guilt I was feeling.

I have two sons. I love them both. My heart is overflowing.

………

Since Simon came home, Elias has been acting out a bit at nap time and bed time. This evening he has been opening his door and coming out of his room just far enough to see Nathan or I. He wants our attention. When Nathan gets too frustrated, I take over putting him back to bed. Again and again we put him back in his bed. Finally, I give him a little of what he wants, hoping it will help. I sit next to his bed, my hand on his chest feeling his quiet breath. After a few minutes, I tell him it’s night night  time and that I love him very much. He grabs my cheeks with both hands, and pulls my face to his. He rubs noses with me and says, “I love you.” I almost wish I could live in this moment forever. I leave his room and return to writing my blog post.

His door just opened. Again. But my heart is overflowing.